Awkwardness in General

CarellOMG get out of my life NERD GUY!!!!

So I’ve not been dating AT ALL since I broke up with Nerd Guy back in August 2011.  I just haven’t felt like it.  AND, he basically did more to destroy my self-esteem than any man I’ve ever known.  He pulled me apart, tore me up and flicked me away.

I wasn’t upset we’d split up….I was still in love with Bams at that stage.  He was  something to distract me from how much I was still hurting.

But, having someone criticise everything about you, your weight (I wasn’t even large), your large breasts (‘they remind me of my mother and whatever reminds me of my mother repels me), my activity levels, my mental stability (I was on anti-depressants)…. can tear out your will to ever date again.  And IT HAS FUCKED ME UP.

To make things worse, he’s a skater and has now joined a roller derby league.  This city is very small and the derby community is tiny.  I now have to see his face every frikkin day as we now have about 15 mutual friends PLUS all the bout photos of leagues playing.  He’s in my fucking face.  And I want to punch that face.

Now I am 20kg heavier than when HE said I was too fat for him and the thought of running into him is mortifying.  I know it shouldn’t be, but it is.  The thought of him seeing me this big is something I was trying to avoid at all costs.  Not because I give a fuck about him, but because I can’t stand the thought of him thinking he was right about me.

So I’ve not been socialising, or going to events where I think he will be..which is EVERYWHERE.  He’s everywhere in my fucking life.  Now I’m part of a league, we are always being photographed, even if I’m not playing yet, even if I am officiating now MY photo is everywhere.  So I stopped doing stuff I love, all because I am so embarrassed of being seen, by him or by anyone.

I’d successfully avoided having anything to do with him for two years and one day I am walking down the main thoroughfare that runs through the University and who should I see?  HIM.  He’s right there in front of me.  I didn’t think quick enough and was in so much shock that I didn’t have time to ignore him!  I had my sunnies and a big coat on, I could have easily just walked straight past and he may not have recognised me (as I’m so much bigger now), but what did I do?  “Hi, how are you blah fucking blah blah”.

What an IDIOT.

He was taken aback and it was weird and I was weird and then it was over as quickly as it started THANK GOD.  Turns out he’s working at a college that is located on our grounds, literally 100m from the building I am situated in.  I can just look out the window and go watch him get coffee (if I wanted..which I don’t).  He’s been working there for a fucking year!  He knows I work there.  He must have been trying hard to avoid me.

So I got over that pretty quickly.  It was a shock to see him and I was spewing that he saw me like this but he wasn’t half as charming or good looking as I remember him.  And his hair was ridiculous.  I put it behind me and decided that I will take pains to not run into him again.  Awkward situation was AWKWARD.

That was a few months ago….fast forward to two days ago.

I’d just been to the chiro and was driving home in my tracky daks when my daughter texts me and asks if I can pick her up a coconut on the way home.  A fucking coconut?  When did she start eating fucking coconut? So being the good mother I am, I stop at Coles and get a fucking coconut.

On the way in I see this guy walking towards me.  It kinda looks like Nerd Guy but I have my sunglasses on and it’s the under cover carpark so I’m not sure.  It REALLY looks like him.  He’s looking straight at me and I just ignore him.  My sunglasses are pretty dark.’s fine, I’m in the shops and he’s off to his car.  Maybe he didn’t recognise me.

So, I find a fucking coconut and make my way outside to the winding ramp that leads to the car park.  It looked very much like this picture.


So picture this.  I’m walking along the top of the walkway, and I see him suddenly in front of me, walking down the first tier of the ramp.  He is looking right at me.  HOW did he get in front of me.  Why isn’t he gone?  Didn’t he just go to the carpark?  Is he fucking stalking me???  I have my sunglasses on (I’m quick like that…I might be a vampire) and I just decide to pretend he doesn’t exist.  Unfortunately, I have to ignore him for three more occasions as we make our way down the winding ramp.  Each time he looks straight at me, like he wants to say ‘hi’, and each time I walk past with my nose in the air ‘it-is-not-me’.  And then he’s off to his car..again.

Well that was awkward.

Unfortunately the awkwardness has continued…and it’s worse.  As I mentioned, the skating/roller derby community here is very small, it’s fucking incestuous.

Nerd Guy and I have now got about 15 mutual friends and that number is growing as we both get to know more people.  I know that Nerd Guy is presently single as I saw his new profile up on RSVP.  It’s really quite amusing.  I also noticed he ‘friended’ an acquaintance of mine in Facebook.   I don’t know her very well.  She’s a skater in my old league.  A single mum in her 40’s.  Quite fit and cute.  Then she posts some photos of them and a bunch of others on an outdoor skate.  Hmm…they look friendly.

It gets worse.

Today I had to bear witness to she and Nerd Guy flirting all over my newsfeed.  I know him and he’s hot for her.  She’s recently broken up with a long term partner and would easily be sucked in by his ‘charms’.  It’s on like Donkey Kong.  He’s posting photos of his Ducati on her page and she’s all swooning and her friends are swooning and I’m nearly vomiting.  I don’t think it’s jealousy.  I just hate people thinking he’s a nice guy when he’s such a shallow cunt.  She’s got no idea we went out.  I want to say something so badly but I know I will just come off looking like I’m full of sour grapes.  So I’m taking a leaf out of Ron Burgundy’s book and ‘staying classy’.

But it’s fucking hard.



6 thoughts on “Awkwardness in General

  1. I wrote a long comment yesterday, but WordPress decided it didn’t like me at all, chucked a hissy fit and seems to have lost it. Anyway, the abbreviated version is:

    What a douche. Screw him.

    1. Well they’ve stoppped now. He’s not a friend so it’s only her, but it’s all stopped. I still think they’ve hooked up though and he probably wants to keep it quiet to see if it works out. He wasn’t happy with our romance being played out in blogland and facebook.

  2. It kind of sounds like you’re depressed. And depression makes everything harder and less enjoyable. I don’t have a solution for that, but I just wonder, if you can somehow battle the depression and beat that, if Nerd Guy will cease to matter as much. I’m rambling here. I don’t even know if this makes any sense.

    1. I can see why you would think I am depressed, but I’m not. I am still SO positive and so looking forward to what I can achieve in the future. I felt the same when I was on anti-depressants (actually I feel better off them). I just can’t stand Nerd Guy. He’s a smug, narcissistic turd.

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